Oh, hey der. I didn’t see you on my front lawn, waiting for me to start my out-of-the-blue, pre-fourth of July press conference. I feel so silly! As many of you know, David Letter-Man mouth raped my daughter, which, uh… got me rethinking this whole being in the public eye where everyone can see the many blunders I’m making leading Alaska. Gosh, but there are a lot of dem! I didn’t even know how dang badly I was screwing the pooch I had this Vanity Fair article read to me… but that’s not my point. My point is it’s David Letter-Man’s fault I’m resigning as Governor of Alaska at the end of the month.
Some of you have been quick to point out this doesn’t look good for my presidential run in 2012, but what they just aren’t getting is running a state with so many people in it is hard, and leaves a paper trail! I used to the think ruling over everyone in The Great Land was like ruling my family, except I paid everyone for living here! But it’s, ummm… not like that at all. When I say it’s my way or the highway, citizens don’t storm off to their room to tearfully call their amoral stud muffin who is only going to impregnate dem with his lazy seed… which is always a miracle from God! They whine about “ethics” and say I’m not “fit to govern,” whatever that means. I tell ya, things would be so much simpler if me and the old man had cinched the thing in November and the Antichrist and his cadre of witches weren’t trying to give us their satanic money.
It’s like I… uh, eh… always say, you can’t win a hockey game with a basketball in the third quarter with a blindfold on. That’s why I’ll be working outside government, where I can make a real difference and not have to deal with a major scandal that would make me politically radioactive why… why would you say that? Is that supposed to be a joke, funny man? In the Real America, we don’t take too kindly to dem. Especially when the world needs more Trigs. If I could clone Trig and make an army of dem, I think I’d already be president of a country where everyone has to have Trigs! By law! But that’s not always the way the moosemeat topples. So I’m not going to milk my lame duck status. The Good Book forbids milking ducks. Thanks, no questions. Get off my lawn.
