Dear YHWH, Allah, Buddha or Elder God of your choice:
Thank you so much for Sarah Palin. Never in my life could I have expected such a bounty delivered unto a poor soul like myself. You have given me, and every cynical bastard alive in this fine country, the greatest gift possible during the Republican National Convention. Every comedy writer and self-righteous blogger in America should be on their knees giving praise.
I don’t pretend to know your great plan. I don’t know if Sarah Palin is indeed a secessionist. I couldn’t testify whether or not she’s taking credit for her daughter’s earlier pregnancy. All that matters is that we can say she is. You see, I’m a terrible writer. A lot of bloggers are. With Palin that doesn’t matter though. You don’t have to be any good. Take a swipe at her and you’re bound to hit something that can at least make people smirk. It’s almost scary how easy it is.
That’s why I had to write to you and say thanks. Thanks for making my job just a tiny bit easier. Thanks for Sarah’s stance on abstinence only education and her knocked up daughter. Thanks for her alleged headhunting of her former brother-in-law. Praise ye for making her opponent Joe “Mother Fucking” Biden. Not that I like him so much, but my lord is he going to destroy Palin in every debate. Most of all, thank you for McCain’s camp, without their foresight and nimble decision making we’d be stuck with someone sensible who wouldn’t generate so much potential scandal in only a matter of days.
Even though I couldn’t predict how things will turn out, I can take comfort in knowing that the next few months are going to be smooth sailing. That’s assuming Palin doesn’t drop out. You guys wouldn’t do that to us, right?
Sincerely,
Ryan
