See that pic above? that is my coffee table after its use as an accessory for Monster Hunter 3 Tri. I prefered it more as a device to store empty cans of beer and Oprah magazines, but Monster Hunter 3 Tri had other plans for its destiny, and like most things that are helped to discover that said destiny, its purpose ultimately had less to do with destiny or fate and more to do with it’s proximity to Monster Hunter 3 Tri, My couch, and I. You see, I play it on my couch, and my coffee table is within arms length of, well, . . . my arm.
So what does this have to do with Monster Hunter 3 Tri? let me first tell you about the game and all will become clear.
Monster Hunter 3 Tri is a complete waste of my precious time, it’s frustratingly hard and cheaper than Michael Bay’s attempt at creating an authentic cast of Persians in Disney’s Prince of Persia movie, has possibly the most outdated control mechanics in a decade of mediocre control mechanics, has a horrible manually controllable camera that WANTS you to not NOT see the giant monster about to eat your face off, and has graphics that would have impressed me when I was wearing Airwalks, size 60 pants, and weighed 140 lbs. Oh, and it’s called Monster Hunter 3 “Tri”, which means three-three, doesn’t it? Is this MH3 or MH33? I’m confused. For the rest of this article can I just refer to it as MH3 please? Thanks.
I never “got” this game. I never understood why it has been the biggest game in Japan for the last few years. I never saw the appeal. Then I played it. Now I get it. This game is absolutely brilliant.
Confused yet? And if so I am so happy with it, why has my table been redesigned? Let me explain.
The “grind” factor
I never said I enjoyed this game. I am, however, indentured to it. You see, MH3 is like the Japanese version of crack: It’s cheap as hell and has the perfect formula to get you hooked. You know its bad for you and you don’t care, and it smells slightly of wasabi when you inject it into your Wii. MH3 entraps you with a leveling system not based on leveling per se, but by acquiring materials to sell for gold, trade, and use in crafting armor, weapons, item buffs, and even more materials. you are constantly harvesting herbs and mushrooms, carving the kills of monsters, and turning them into resources. its like Harvest Moon for 8-year-old punks instead of 2-year-old brats. And you will need all of it to create all that shit to help you defeat the next bad ass monster around the corner. Also, you hunt crazy shit! There is always that next hunt to go on, always that rare monster to find (that kills you immediately), always a new combination of weapons and armor to discover, create, and use. Diablo/Pokemon sandwich anyone? Yes it’s a grind, but its a tried and true formula that works. Don’t believe me? Ask Blizzard. Oh, and the online mode is even bigger than the offline game, with even more weapons, items, and monsters, as well as an unending supply of 8-year-old Wii players at your disposal to party up with so they can tell you how much you suck. Yay!
The control and camera
You have the option of using the Wii’s fabulous “jack off” sim controls (in which, if you play a game where you are constantly slashing and moving to avoid a quick death, its like having a psycho “j” session with an angry alligator tied to a chain 6 inches from your face), or using the new Wii Classic Controller Pro pad. Thanks for options, Nintendo. Too bad the Wii Classic Controller Pro costs 5 bucks more in the bundle pack or 20 dollars if you cant find it and need to buy them both separately. Too bad that the bundle pack appears to be sold out everywhere. Honestly, there aren’t really two options: you need the controller. Don’t say you wont, unless you would enjoy that alligator biting off some of your wobbly bits.
But I digress; the control is not intuitive. There are so many commands and inputs you have to learn and some of the options aren’t even in the manual or in game guide. I had to search online for some. I wish I would have known like 40 hours into the game that the Switch Axe could be reloaded and how to actually reload the thing, or that Cha-Cha (your veggie-Hobbit sidekick) could use one of his masks to light up the dark areas of the game; like the cave with the giant leech dragon Gigginox. Hey, whatever. It could be worse. Wait, wait – It does get worse! The camera is a giant pain in the ass and you WILL die from it by it NOT helping you at all. It is manual so you have to constantly re-center it when you are doing ANYTHING. When you’re running around, this is alright, but in a quick paced battle? No. Would you break Stephen Spielberg’s arm and ask him to film Fast and the Furious 6 with a giant IMAX camera strapped to his shoulder? That’s how it feels when you’re about to beat a giant asshole of a monster and you “evade roll” right into a wall and can’t avoid the giant bite out of your ass that you’re about to get. Another fun thing that happens is that if you’re trapped, you’re going to get hit again, get dizzy, and probably die. Lame! Frak that! But you know what? Its your fault.
MH3 is unapologetic and caters to a crowd that relies solely on their gaming skill and actually likes to be challenged. Demon’s Souls, anyone? If you rolled into that wall, maybe you shouldn’t have been near it in the first place. Maybe that’s what keeps bringing me coming back; It’s very challenging, and profusely frustrating but if you die, its your own goddamn fault. In an age where the degree of difficulty in gaming has gone the way of pleasing the casual (lazy baby) market, it’s refreshing to actually be challenged again. I mean, that is what a good game is, right? If it’s too easy, you get bored. Too hard and you quit. If you can’t handle it, go back to all those other blockbuster games that fool you into thinking you’re actually playing a game and not watching an interactive movie with a remote that you have to hold the whole time. Go back to your games where you can adjust difficulty without any consequences. That’s not a game, that’s just an ego booster for big lazy babies. Listen kids, Capcom doesn’t hate you, they just want you to grow up.
The graphics
Is Capcom on probation with Nintendo or something? Were they forced to develop on dusty old Gamecubes? That is what a Wii essentially is, right? I guess they were, then. I just cant get enough of those jagged, aliased graphics! Do I need glasses? Can I zoom in at all please, because I can’t tell what i’m looking at. Is that the hero’s face or a hamburger? Doesn’t matter, I guess. I’ll just slap on my ridiculous Rhinopolos helmet so his head looks more like an iron pot. Win! If the game was designed with Elmer’s glue and popcicle sticks, why does the game look so good then? I believe it’s because Capcom understands that game design and graphics are really two very different things. Have you played Heavenly Sword? Pretty amazing graphics, right? How much did you enjoy the game? Thought so. Inversely, have you ever played Shadow of the Colossus? Perfectly implemented concepts and a beautifully designed game for the PS2, and it looked dated when it was released, which was before the PS3 even came out! Do you get it yet? A talented monkey with a pack of crayons is, more often than not, going to output finer work than a fool with the finest oil paints in the word. I guess Capcom is the monkey with a crayons that can actually draw.
I still want to scream at the game when I die, but instead I just remodel the table next to me, cool off, and try again. Rinse and repeat. This game never seems to end, doesn’t cut you any slack, and will drive you mad, but it’s the perfect formula for an addictive and challenging game. If you do decide to try this version of Japanese wasabi-crack, I must to recommend two things: get the Classic Controller Pro, and make a stop at the nearest Ikea for the cheapest coffee tables you can find. And trust me, buy more than one coffee table.
