Yes, we suspect what you might be thinking, but shielding the world from Drunklando’s arch-tangential, grammatically dubious rants is the moral equivalent of drowning a sack of kittens in the Hudson River. That’s why we’re sharing the below with our readers – as a public service. And don’t let anyone suggest otherwise. —Re:Generator MGMT
I arrived to my local movie theater for a late showing of the new Twilight movie, The Twilight Saga: New Moon. It was not opening day, and I most definately didn’t wait in line for hours. I noticed that the movie was playing in every single movie room they had at the theater. I also noticed that multiple showings were sold out. I’m not gonna say I just happened to be at the movies and this was playing. I mean, I could lie and sound like a bad ass and say that I went in order to try and get some ass, but this was not the case. The truth is that I was actually really excited to see the second installment in Stephanie Meyer’s epic pre-pubescent book series.
The first thing I noticed was that the kid behind the window charged me for two adult tickets. I normally get the student rate (even though it’s been a million years since I was in college, I still usually get hooked up). So right out of the gate I felt the sting of the economic sitution I am in burn a hole in my B of A checking account (being that I paid with my ATM card).
I then walked up to the brothas who usually serve me my popcorn with extra Jordan Schwab and they seemed to be in a somber mood. I had not felt the enthuseim that they has smoothered me with on some of my previous missions. Perhaps they had been fed up with what could be the biggest movie craze since Star Wars. I would probably be just as grumpy if I had to put up with a movie theater full of screaming “Edward Fans”.
Well anyway, screw them! I’m not a fan of Edward, I’m Team Jacob all the way. I don’t just like him because he is obviously taking anobolic steroids, I like him cause he is the emo werewolf. And he doesn’t act like a lil’ bitch! For those of you who dont know anythig about Twilight, let me fill you in.
Twilight takes place in the state of Washington. The town is in the boondocks, middle of nowhere. There are lots of trees and the weather is always gloomy. Sounds like typical Seattle weather, right? Well, this town is more Yosimite National park than it is Seattle, which sets up the movie for great emotional scenes. The main character is a girl named Isabella “Bella” Swan, who is a 17 year old girl (who clearly looks way too goddamn old to be 17). Bella is dating Edward Cullen, who just happens to be a bloodsucking vampire. Edward is probably the most emotional of all vampires that I have ever seen on the screen. Edward makes timid faces and cringes at the thought of boning Bella. On Bella’s 18th birthday, Edward’s adopted brother tries to eat Bella at her party. This promps Edward to dump Bella because he is too much of a pussy to protect her like he had promised to in the last movie. Bella gets super emo, in what could be one of the most depressing break up moments since Llyod Dobler got dumped in Say Anything. Months pass and the bags under Bella’s eyes become those of a 40 year old woman… this is where Jacob Black comes in. Jacob is a half Latino/Indian/Samoan beast of a hulk, kinda like Mario Lopez but less cheesy.
Jacob plays the friend card like a creepy ass dude trying to get laid and it works! I promise you dudes out there, all you have to do is lift mad weights and play the friend card and you are promised to get laid! So aside from being a stud, Jacob happens to be a fucking Werewolf! Yes, its true. In the last movie, Jacob was just a skinny lil’ bitch and they gave you no signs that he was half man and full wolf. If you know me in real life, you know that I have plenty of shirts with wolves on them. So I’m down for warewolves in this movie. Not saying that I dont love me some vampires, shit do you remember a lil’ movie called Interview with a Vampire? That movie changed my life! Tom Cruise is still one of my top favorite actors. Come on people, give him a fucking break!
Well I dont want to spoil the movie for anyone, but I will describe it this way. The Twilight series captures on a scripted film what The Hills captured between Heidi and Lauren. All the small uncomfortable moments are there, all the suspense and anticipation of what the person’s emotion will be are there. In what could be a graduation for Harry Potter alumni, this movie takes you on a roller coaster ride without all the super special effects, but with cinematagraphy that is peacefull and adventurous without going too overboard on the Star Wars: The Phantom Menace fakeness.
I recommend you go watch the movie. Its a good date movie, and you will have something to talk about when you’re getting water at the office. Either its a good movie, or I’m just drunk.
