I am an idiot. Not always. Not even most of the time. But sometimes. Incidentally, while I am an idiot, I am not A) a morning person, or, B) a night person. I do not function well when I am tired. I think that’s the bottom line. Add to the above facts the following: my idiot moments tend to save themselves up for one really big, really embarrassing moment of awkward stupidity. Like this morning, for instance.
For 9 a.m., I was doing rather well. I was fully awake. I was well-fed. I had had a cup of tea, so I was mildly caffeinated. I spent the morning drive rocking out to Scottish punk rock, singing at the top of my lungs and not caring who watched me during red lights. My first hour on the job was unusually productive. I had already organized the children’s section of our book sale room (which sells musty old crap donated from people’s musty old attics to raise money for books that are not A) yellowing, B) bug eaten, C) dirty or D) smelly), and had even balanced out the registers from the night before (if you’re curious, libraries make so little money in the course of a day that you would have to be absolutely, utterly, completely stupid to even consider the risk of robbing one because you will not make a dime from your heist and will most likely end up in jail condemned to be someone’s bitch because what you’re “in for” will undoubtedly be the most stupid story on your cell block).
It was two minutes before opening. Savoring the last seconds of the quiet morning, my co-workers and I stood in a circle talking about shoes. I could see our manager watching us from across the building. I realized that we had mere seconds before she rang the front desk to tell us all to get back to work. Right on cue, the inter-office line began to ring. It has a distinctly different ring tone, thus, we answer it more casually.
“Joe’s Crab Shack” (much more casually)
“Hello?”
“…Hello?”
“I’d like to renew my library book.”
Cue horror. This was not my manager calling to scold us. This is a customer who A) should not have the back line number and B) should not be talking to a live person, since we’re not open yet. The back line is a closely guarded secret. Talking to the public over the phone prior to opening is grounds for death. Both rules have been breached badly. I am frantic for a solution. I attempt to solve this problem in what ultimately proved (in hindsight) to be one of my worst ideas ever. We will rewind slightly so that you can savor the full conversation that occurred.
“Joe’s Crab Shack”
“Hello?”
“…Hello?”
“I’d like to renew my library book.”
Pause. Fast thinking. Panic button. Pushed repeatedly.
“Who are you trying to call?”
“The library.”
“…I believe you have the wrong number” ha!
“Um… no. The touchtone recording just told me to push 1 to renew my book.”
Oh. Shit. Oh my dear God in heaven. She knows. Mental floundering ensues.
“Hmm… well… if you can… hold please, I’ll see if I can– click”
I had just hung up on myself mid-sentence.
I considered calling in sick today. I really, truly, honestly did. In retrospect, that might have been the best solution for everybody.
