While Paul McCartney has busied himself with selling a chocolate Santa and his butt plug, his erstwhile ex Heather Mills wants you to eat and drink a whole lot greener and healthier. Ever the self-righteous crusader, the vegan model recommends the public at large kick their puss-heavy bovine milk habit for something more edifying: rats milk.
Concerned with the environmental impact of non-lethal rat traps, Mills recommends you have one of your servants catch a female rat by hand (without gloves, as they cause the rats to have an allergic reaction). One it has been determined that the rat is the correct gender, your servant should then squeeze each of the rat’s nipples. If the rodent is lactating, your hired help is then to pull out your jewel-encrusted rat-milking bucket, place the rat comfortably inside its holster and go to town on it.
Each rat can only produce several ounces of drinkable milk, so your servant may want to start at the break of dawn with a room full of rodentia so you have enough milk come dinner time. Precautions should be taken to keep the milk cold: A walk-in freezer or former meat packing warehouse are perfect locations. No jacket or other protective clothing should be worn, in memory of all the animals that died at the hands of man so that his teeth might not chatter.
Mills recommends drinking chilled rat milk with a raw black truffle flown in from northern Italy. To offset the flights carbon footprint, you should donate $2000 to her favorite charity. The slight acidity of the milk is a perfect complement to the tastes-suspiciously-like-dirt truffle.
