21 months. Is that really how long it took to elect the next leader of the sometimes free world? We know that the Bush administration is leaving some pretty big shoes to fill (or is it that they gave America concrete shoes?), but asking that kind of commitment to a person, let alone a political party, was more than many of us could bear. If the electorate woke up naked in a dumpster with a pounding headache and bruises all over its body after the Democratic primary finally came to a close, it’s closer to being permanently blinded with forcibly amputated limbs now. As before, it is our solemn duty to assess damages, ask hard questions, posit solutions to unsolvable puzzles and construct a chronology of the terrible events that led us to this point in history. Then, like our forefathers before us, we will die of exhaustion.
Next: How things all went terribly wrong for John McCain…
(In which the campaign for the general election is finally allowed to begin)
Al Gore finally endorses Barack Obama after it’s no longer politically risky to do so. With fearless decision-making abilities like that, one can only speculate what he would have done as president.
What happened to John McCain’s Republican foes after he defeated them in the primaries? Now we know: they were imprisoned in a dank, sunless box not unlike the one McCain was kept in as a POW in ‘nam, and told their only hope for release would come after the real campaign began. Eager to return to the outside world, Rudolph Giuliani and Fred Thompson come out shilling for their captor.
PUMA favorite Larry Sinclair holds a press conference for the National Press Club that no one in attendance will ever forget:
Sinclair, too, was in a sharing mood, once again recounting the night he meet the man of his dreams, or at least a “white man pretending to be a black man.” Because if anyone should be defining blackness, it’s an insane, middle-aged white man. … After he finished the press conference, he was summarily taken into custody by the D.C. police. That would seem to be another nail in the coffin of Sinclair’s credibility… unless you’re extremely bitter about Hillary Clinton’s loss and looking for any excuse to hate Barack Obama.
And don’t get us started on Sinclair’s lawyers boasts about his unusually large member. Seriously. Don’t.
Former Ambassador to the UN Mean Mr. Mustache endorses John McCain, a fresh reminder to voters that a vote for the Senator from Arizona is a vote for invading Iran.
McCain adviser Charlie Black thinks his man would be good for America. Fair enough, but his argument is somewhat undermined when he proposes that a terror attack would be a good thing for the GOP’s presumptive nominee.
Peace Party candidate Ralph Nader inserts his foot in his mouth when he opines that Obama is “talking white.” If only he’d read Diversity, Inc’s “10 Things NEVER to Say to a Black Coworker,” this whole embarrassing episode could have been avoided.
George Clinton begins her long journey towards becoming Hillary again by appearing with Barackula at a rally in Unity, New Hampshire. “Unity.” Geddit?
The radical left’s methods of protest are like a broken record, and that record is The Grateful Dead’s first album. Nevertheless, they prepare to protest the Democratic National Convention in Denver to effect no change whatsoever.
(In which O moves toward the political center and Old Man McCain takes a nap)
Obama, seemingly apropos of nothing, uses the lull in the campaign to reposition his image as center-left, endorsing faith-based initiatives and supporting a FISA compromise that makes few people happy (other than the telecoms that have been granted retroactive legal immunity, that is).
Obama has shown time and again that he wants to win, and unlike Democratic politicians of the past who shall remain named John Kerry, is willing to roll up his sleeves and do what he thinks it takes. Pandering to the religious special interest groups runs the risk of alienating the Godless left, as well as the 2.6% of Americans who remember with fondness the contents of the Constitution. But in the grand scheme of things, the entire country – make that everyone in the country who isn’t too lazy or disinterested to vote – will have their say in November. If Obama has to distribute pictures of Jesus Christ and himself hunting deer to every one of them to win their favor, that’s the kind of change he can believe in.
Not everyone’s satisfied with the names scheduled to appear on the ballot. Diehard supporters of the Bush administration offer a unique solution: voting for Bush and Cheney as write-in candidates come election day.
As everyday Americans feel the hurt from a collapsing national economy, McCain adviser Phil Gramm’s message to Joe Sixpack is that we’re a nation of whiners who should shut the fuck up and vote Republican. For some reason, it makes the campaign appear like it’s out of touch.
Jesse Jackson, who’s like, totally jealous of all the comments hotties are leaving on Obama’s Facebook page, accidentally gives voice to his desire to castrate Change on live radio. Waa waa. Rapper Nas has no choice but to revoke Jackson’s credentials as a “with-it” black leader, and suggests suitable replacements, many of whom happen to be his rapper friends.
The McCain campaign lowers its overall maturity level by resorting to playground taunts.
The Barack Obama Experience embarks on a world tour to widespread critical and political acclaim. The only people not impressed, it seems, are the people who want the Straight Talk Express’ final destination to be 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
(In which twists, turns and the occasional national convention occur)
Wal-Mart isn’t in the habit of taking a political position (wink, wink). But faced with the prospect of an Obama presidency, they consider it their civic duty to inform their employees that such a turn of events would be more terrible than a thousand holocausts. Oh, and that has nothing to do with the Democratic Party’s longtime support of unions. No way, no how.
Continuing their recent inclination towards being an exemplar of civic discourse, the McCain campaign runs negative ads comparing Obama to celebutards like Paris Hilton. Hilton responds with more class than McCain is apparently capable of.
Speaking of class, did we mention McCain no longer has any? Speaking at the bikini beauty pageant at Buffalo Chip, where contestants routinely go topless – and sometimes bottomless, St. John offers to pimp his wife out to bikers. The man will do anything to earn your vote.
John Obama invades Mangastan. How very… Japanese.
Onetime Democratic candidate John Edwards sees his political ambitions circling the drain after admitting to an extramarital affair during the time he was running for president and his wife had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Dems really dodged a bullet with this one, didn’t they?
The RNC announces its lineup of speakers for the upcoming Republican National Convention, among them things that go bump in the night, things that make your flesh crawl and a dangerous, sneering cyborg.
When called out on his bullshit, the Senator from Arizona increasingly relies on a tactic dubbed the McCainface maneuver:
It will be interesting to see what other faux pas McCain using his POW experience to explain them away. Attacking Iran? POW. Pulling troops out of Iraq? POW. Struggling US economy? POW. Calling his wife a “cunt”. POW. There really is no end to what this simple maneuver can fix, and if life has taught me anything, it’s that basing your actions on late night television never ends badly.
Experience trumps change as young cub Barack Obama chooses old lion Joe Biden as his running mate. Obama’s pick boosts his credibility on one of his greatest percieved weaknesses, foreign policy. While solid, Biden is in no danger of outshining the leader of his party.
The Democratic National Convention kicks off the way only a party that had to contend with the Clintons’ massive ids for unending months could: with effeminate men dancing to “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” The subtle jabs at George Clinton fade into the background as a white supremacist plot to assassinate Obama is prevented… although certain resident gun experts posit the crystal meth-smoking idiots never would have pulled it off anyway. Effective Obama ally Ted Kennedy, who was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, makes an emotional appeal for change in Washington. In a fantastic speech to diehard supporters still reluctant to support the Obamanonemon, George Clinton appeals to them to put issues before cult of personality, and in doing so becomes HillDawg once more. Joe Biden gives a serviceable acceptance speech, then is immediately upstaged by the soon-to-be nominee, who beseeches Americans to join him at Mile High Stadium the following night for hot Greek columns action. Obama gives a historic nomination speech for a historic nomination, but for once finds someone else upstaging him when, the following morning, John McCain picks national unknown and Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his Veep.
(In which the McCain sets the stage for abysmal failure while Obama keeps his cool)
And my, what a pick she is. Almost immediately, it becomes apparent that McCain made a cynical appeal to the vulva-carrying set, and worse, a bad choice to appease radical elements with his party. There are questions about corruption, her ties to fringe religious and secessionist movements, and her 17-year-old daughters’ out-of-wedlock pregnancy. She is – and we don’t say this lightly – a political satirist’s dream come through. Thank you, baby Jesus. Still, she’s energizing the Republican base, and bumps up McCain’s poll numbers. Because she’s so purrrrrdy.
Careful not to repeat the public image nightmare of Hurricane Katrina, The GOP cuts short the first day of the Republican National Convention as Hurricane Gustav makes landfall. Conveniently, the schedule change takes the most unpopular president in recent history off the speaking roster. With speeches by Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani, the party reminds America that there were worse choices than McCain. Sarah Palin, though beleaguered by new and shocking corruption allegations, and the growing opinion in the party that she’s nothing more than a political stunt, gives a memorable speech that, at least for the time being, quells dissent. Before John McCain takes the stage, Fred Thompson tells everyone he “lived in a box.” McCainface then pleads the country to make him the next king of Amerika.
Barack Obama’s support among white women appears to be slipping. Is Sarah Palin the reason?
Is John McCain going senile? We know he has trouble keeping track of Sunnis and Shiites or what Czechoslovakia’s called now, but refusing to meet with the Prime Minister of Spain is a whole different level of “duh.”
In retrospect, the Republican National Convention turns out to be the apex of McCain’s campaign. Continuing conservative unrest over Sarah Palin, McCain’s resentment of a national press corps that’s suddenly asking questions, and a worsening economy take their toll, but it is his decision to suspend his campaign and forgo the first presidential debate until the financial crisis is solved that proves to be fateful. McCain’s move is almost universally derided as a stunt, and his campaign operations are described as being beset by “utter confusion.” Barack Obama coolly promises to hold the debate with or without his opponent. McCain’s poll numbers begin sliding, only exacerbated when Congress fails to pass the bailout package. Having painted himself into a corner, he has little choice but to show up to the debate with his tail between his legs, but can’t manage to look Obama in the eyes. The consensus after the first match-up is that it was somewhere between a tie and a win for Obama. For McCain, the severity of the self-inflicted damage is only nascently apparent.
(In which the real October surprise is how quickly the political tide can turn)
Is it underhanded to guilt trip elderly Jews into voting for Obama? Sure, but it’s also funny.
Joe Biden wins the one-off Vice Presidential debate against Sarah Palin, somehow managing not to make a total ass of himself when placed next to an opponent taht can’t even pretend to feel sympathy when he tears up talking about his dead wife and children. Meanwhile, the McCain campaign all but concedes Michigan, an important swing state, with a month to go before election day.
But the Republicans aren’t giving up, no sirrie. With their snowball’s chance looking increasingly hellish, they flip open the dog-eared copy of Republican Politicking: McCarthy to Rove that’s been just been sitting on the bookshelf in John’s office. Negative campaigning becomes the Senator’s top priority, and no slander is too low, no racial tension unexploitable, no terrifying mob mentality actually and consistently discouraged.
The first is easier than at any other point in this election cycle. The Obamanomenon leads McNasty 49.9% to 42.3% percent, and as long as he keeps talking about the economy, he keeps widening his lead. That’s why the McCain camp has no choice but to go nuclear. “It’s a dangerous road, but we have no choice,” a top McCain strategist told the Daily News. “If we keep talking about the economic crisis, we’re going to lose.”
It’s the kind of maneuvering that only xenophobes respond to, and they all-too-gladly chomp at the bit of hate. Moderates and independents on the other hand are disgusted, which only drives more voters to Obama.
Americans despair at what their country has become. I don’t really have anything glib to add. I have too, on occasion.
McCain does slightly better during the second debate, insomuch as his disdain is at least thinly veiled this time around. But between referring to Obama as “That One,” and everyone else as “My Friends” 40 or so times, the image that lingers with most viewers is that of a petty, bitter old man. Obama continues to exude calm and competence, the most important weapons in his repertoire since “soaring rhetoric.”
Hugh Hewitt is a goddamned clairvoyant. But with great power comes great responsibility…
Barack Obama continues to put distance between himself and McCain. The name “William Ayers” slides off him like Teflon. It may have seemed crazy to suggest it earlier in the year, but perhaps Hillary Clinton really did do Obama a favor by using the kitchen sink strategy during the very long Democratic Primaries. Voters got to know O, and the Clintons exhausted the supply of dirty laundry that could be aired.
John McCain makes a show of curtailing some of the more outlandish comments extremists make at one of his town hall meetings. That doesn’t go over so well with said extremist crowd, and by the third debate, he’s actually saying he’s proud of that shit (also, not coincidentally, his worst performance yet). But before that happens, Barack goes door to door in Ohio, talking to everyday people, including one very special man…
Joe the not-a-licensed-plumber.
The closer it gets to election day, the better things look for the man who wants to bring ch-ch-ch-changes, and the worse they look for the man who lived in a box.
Colin Powell’s endorsement of Obama is the natural consequence of the underhanded tactics McCain has been using amongst the frothing-mouthed wing of the Republican Party. The Powell stamp of approval boosts O’s support with on-the-fence Independents. It also opens the floodgates of party conservatives defecting to Barackula.
I knew there were “two Americas,” but I never knew they were Pro-America and Anti-America.
Terrorists endorse! al-Qaeda selects John McCain, while Iran prefers Barack Obama’s measured managerial style. But because we know where Iran is but can’t locate Osama bin Laden, Obama and “his terrorist friends” win this round.
Ron Paul continues to cause problems for the GOP:
Montana, which should minimally be in a dead heat, instead has Barack Obama leading John Mccain 44.4% to 40.2%. Ron Paul, whose name appear on Montana’s ballot, has a respectable 4.2% support in the polls – exactly the percentage of support McCain would need to catch up to the Big O. Further, Paul isn’t siphoning off support from Democrats; the people who are voting for him would otherwise be voting for ol’ McNasty or Bob Barr’s mustache.
Rudy Giuliani obviously thinks John McCain is going to lose on November, because his campaign website for 2012 is up before the results of 2008 have even been tallied. Sarah Palin doesn’t seem to think too highly of her running mate’s chances, as she too looks ahead to the next election by “going rogue.” The upper-echelon McCain staffers who leak the information are rumored to be sympathizers for Mitt Romney, who, like every other Republican who was in any way involved in the race for the White House, is already rearing to go for another run.
College Republican Ashley Todd hopes to inspire a white exodus to John McCain by falsely reporting a big black man mugged her for being a McCain volunteer and carving a backwards “B” on her face. She fails. Hard.
With 8 days left until the election, a desperate McCain hones his victory strategy down to two key points: scaring the fuck out of people who are considering voting for Obama, and somehow winning Pennsylvania, a pipe dream if the state-by-state polls are accurate. But pipe dreams are all McCain has left now.
Barack Obama cautions supporters not to relax until they actually elect him, but early voting in key states seems to be trending heavily toward the Democratic candidate, especially in Florida, where a spurned Charlie Crist kicks sand in McCain’s eye by extending early voting hours.
Even John McCain’s friends are abandoning him. Joe Lieberman, sensing the immanent defeat of his BFF, scrambles to make peace with his former colleagues. They’re not buying it. And Joe the Plumber doesn’t even bother to show up at his rallies anymore, leading McCain to declare that everyone is Joe the Plumber.
Crunch time. Obama joins forces with Bill Clinton in Florida and expands his operations to traditionally Red states. McCain, meanwhile, finds that even his home state of Arizona might not be safe.
(The Big Takeover)
In the final stretch, vice president Dick Cheney takes it upon himself to remind Americans that his administration and the McCain campaign are inextricably linked. George W. Bush opts to hide out in an undisclosed location until this whole election business is over.
Just one day before the general election, Barack Obama’s beloved grandmother dies of cancer. As far as cosmic slaps in the face go, that’s pretty harsh. On the bright side, John McCain’s vivacious 96-year-old mother is still kicking.
The oft wished-for day has arrived at last. Lines at polling stations are hella ridonkulous long, leading political observers to speculate about the motivational powers of free Starbucks and doughnuts. All the candidates vote, including Sarah Palin, who can’t quite admit to the media that she voted for herself as a write-in candidate with her husband Todd as vice president. Old Man McCain doesn’t quite know what to do with himself, so he keeps on campaigning. Voting problems crop up, but unlike previous years, don’t appear to be insidious fodder for conspiracy theorists. The wait for results is short and sweet. Blowing everyone’s minds, including the candidates themselves, Barack Obama is elected the 44th president of these here U-Nited States when the polls in California (sweet!), Oregon (score!) and Washington State (meh) close. HOLY SHIT! DID THAT JUST REALLY HAPPEN?! EVERYONE PARTY IN THE STREETS! STAT! U! S! A! U! S! A!
