Let’s be honest: The United States of America is a bloodthirsty nation. We’re the only industrialized nation that still has a death penalty, we gobble up hyperviolent action films, our weapons cache is the envy of tyrants worldwide and we cheer when the “bad guys” die.
Jonathon Sharkey is fine with that. Indeed, if he’s elected president, he’ll up the ante in the war against crime, taking it to a level rarely seen since Kazıklı Voyvoda’s reign in Wallachia in the 1400’s: As his endearing nickname implies, he will personally impale criminals. Scores of them.
The way Jonathan sees it, if our country has done anything wrong in its pursuit of sanguinariousness, it’s that we’ve been killing in the name of the wrong supernatural force(s). Jonathon the Impaler is a self-described “Satanic vampyre” who admits to hating God, and is running on the Vampires, Witches and Pagans party ticket. But – perhaps in an attempt not to scare off potential voters – he assures Christians that he doesn’t hate them, just their deity, who may or may not have killed his grandmother (old age certainly wasn’t to blame).
Why waste your vote on a namby-pamby tool who will drive the country to ruin? President Sharkey would always know where he stood. If elected, Jonathon will:
