While I was helping own dear readers to plan their exotic trips for the summer, I was busy planning my own trip to sunny Southern California to foment revolution, advance the vast right-wing conspiracy, and to terrorize the Re:Generator crew. Now I am here in California, and I am not leaving until Saturday. Thus far, hospitality has been extended to me by our very own Ryan Jovian.
The first thing which I noticed about So Cal from the plane was the complete lack of a grid pattern in the urban pattern. I was aware there would be thousands of square miles of sand and nothing between Texas and the last outposts of western civilization, but I was not prepared for the lack of a grid pattern. I love my planned urban environments and the easily navigable grid patterened streets with houses made of red brick, spaced widely enough apart to avoid the entire city being engulfed in a fiery holocaust. There was not grid pattern to be seen, and frankly, it makes me uneasy.
Also, it has struck me that Southern California, specifically the desert outside and around Palm Springs where I arrived, reminds me of New Jersey. Palm Springs is Jersey with sand. There is nothing but highway driving, chain stores and ranch houses which look exactly the same. It is now up to Robert and the rest of the desert dwellers of Re:Gen to redeem their sandy desert abode so that it does not remain in my mind the western annex of The Garden State.
One might think based upon my previous paragraphs that my experiences haven’t been entertaining, but so far it has been awesome, and the people who I have met are great.
After a long trip from my subterranean bunker hidden beneath the streets of Philadelphia (I departed for the airport at midnight PST and arrived in Palm Springs at 10:20 a.m. PST) I was starving. Ryan took me the the nearest and least alien fast food restaurant in the desert, Wendy’s. After sucking down a burger and some fries, and buying gas from a convenience store that thought that it was a great idea to sell assorted knives at the counter, we headed East to see a pair of dinosaurs. These two dinosaurs are a road side attraction which were featured in a Pee-Wee Herman film, and also a film called The Wizard. To our shock, horror, and ultimately our amusement, the awful truth was revealed to Ryan and I; The dinosaurs were owned and operated by creationists. I am still trying to wrap my head around that fact.
Upon arrival at our final destination, I was shown where I would be staying and introduced to my hosts. I was then treated to my first authentic Mexican meal from one of Ryan’s favorite local spots. This meal was no Taco Bell, and I was surprised by the ample portions which I was given for a very, very fair price. After lunch, I spent time with my hosts relaxing after a very long trip. I was later treated to a delicious chicken dinner cooked by Re:Gen’s master chef, and ended the evening watching one of the great gems of modern cinema, The Lost Boys: The Tribe. After the movie I fell asleep, as I had not yet adjusted to the change in time zones.
The next morning I was treated to a delicious breakfast of pancakes, sausage and eggs. My hosts then took me to where are the action is, Hollywood Boulevard. Dodging in between droves of fat and ugly tourists (while attempting very hard to not appear to be one, despite combat fatigues and a silk balaclava), it became abundantly clear that this was nothing like the movies. Fortunately, since there were weirdos dresses as Batman, Iron Man, Spiderman, The Joker and even the Tin Man, I was not the weirdo. Los Angeles is not as glamorous as it is portrayed by films. Everything is so small… and dirty… and there was no goddamned grid pattern! My hosts took me to various shops, such as American Apparel. I believe the ads from American Apparel are laced with subliminal messages. Before we left, we slipped into a pizza parlor for a small meal and a photo opportunity.
Following our sojourn and escape from LA, my hosts took me to Norco, another southern California hamlet, because I wanted to see horsies and go drinking in a redneck bar which had .75 cent draft beer until 7 p.m. I was introduced to Ryan’s bandmate Drunklando, and we quickly became friends over swapping war stories and watching the Xgames. Unfortunately, the bar was not open until 6 p.m., and we did not have the inclination to wait, so we went to see horsies. After about an hour feeding and petting champion horses, we ate at a Jack-in-the-box and later returned to Lando’s place.
After leaving Lando’s I returned to the home of my hosts, where I watched No Country for Old Men. I had heard very good things about the film, which lived up to expectations but left a sour taste in my mouth.
On the third day we hit the beach harder than Normandy. We packed up the Jovimobile with a six pack of Natural Light and a twelve pack of Modelo Especial. I laid eyes on the Pacific Ocean for the first time, and stood confidently on the very fringe of western civilization in my speedo, with my two comrades by my side and beers in our hands. We swam in the Pacific and tamed the beach like conquering heroes. The experience left such an impression on me that I want to swim again in the waters of the Pacific, mainly because the waters of the mid-Atlantic are fucking freezing.
Upon returning from the beach, we lounged around at Ryan’s house for a few hours. Following which, we watched There Will Be Blood, which was an excellent if not disturbing film, and a very amusing episode of The Venture Bros.
My trip has been nothing short of excellent. My hosts are extremely hospitable, and all of the people whom I have had the pleasure to meed thus far have been great. As I sit here typing, my hosts are planning which activities they would like to do with me (hopefully that involves hitting the beach once more). California, despite the lack of a grid pattern, the fact it is nothing like the movies and their commie gun control laws, is a great place. I only wonder what else is in store for me, and when I will get the chance to hang out with the rest of the writers of Re:Generator.
Look forward to my next dispatch.
