Will Smith is set to direct a remake of The Karate Kid. Sure, the Karate Kid is what, twenty years old, it’s due for an update, right? Smith has chosen his own son to play the roll of Daniel San. The younger Smith is a mere nine years old, but that won’t be a problem for writers or the director when figuring out how to remake classic tale of a teenage Karate master. Heck, they have even tapped Jackie Chan to lay steaming, campy stunt turds all over Pat Morita’s grave.
In the spirit of unnecessarily remaking movies, this latest announcement has given us cause to think of our own remakes, and who we would like to be in them. Re:Generator offers the following list of movies to be remade with awkward casts.
The Bourne Identity starring Andy Samberg
We’re under the impression the role of Jason Bourne requires no actual acting, just the ability to look serious while firing a gun. To test that hypothesis, we suggest repackaging the Bourne franchise with Andy Samberg, fresh from his dud Hot Rod, in the role of protagonist. Whenever Bourne found himself in an especially tight situation, he would rely not only on his CIA-training and daring-do, but his penchant for penning surreal and ironic songs. A new sub-plot would focus on Bourne’s attempts to woo Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
About Schmidt starring John Travolta and Heath Ledger
Jack Nicholson’s understated turn as a listless retiree garnered critical praise but barely made a ripple at the box office. It wasn’t… outlandish enough. With John Waters directing, that won’t be a problem. Health Ledger, covered in several dense layers of makeup, will give another one of Jack Nicholson’s roles a spin. Because Divine is dead, Waters will dress John Travolta in drag to portray Kathy Bates’ character. The nude scene won’t be as problematic as one might think, as the middle-aged Travolta and Bates’ nude torsos are virtually indistinguishable. His penis, meanwhile, will mercifully be erased by state-of-the-art special effects.
Striptease starring Anthony Michael Hall
You’re pretty much getting the same thing you got with Demi Moore, but better acting and a nicer ass.
Punch Drunk Love starring Andy Dick and Minnie Driver
Sometimes a movie comes along that just doesn’t quite capture the true essence of how annoying two actors are, and sometimes a movie captures it perfectly like 2002’s Punch Drunk Love. The blood-boiling heights achieved by Sandler and Watson could only be surpassed by another annoying American/Brittish duo, that of Andy Dick and Minnie Driver. Just imagine those two in a twisted “not-quite all there” love affair. Although, we’d love to see Philip Seymore Hoffman yelling “Shut the fuck up” over and over at Andy Dick.
Pirates of the Caribbean starring Samuel Jackson, Paul Giamatti, Michael Caine and Uma Thurman
Forget Johnny Depp’s drunken and slurring portrayal of Jack Sparrow; what Pirates of the Caribbean needs is what any good movies needs, a little more Sam Jackson. Rather than mumbling and swishing his way through the adventure, Jackson can simply kick ass and take names. With Paul Giamatti playing the dashing hero formerly played by Orlando Bloom and Uma Thruman playing the damsel in distress, you can expect a romance worthy of any of the great romantic films, like The Graduate or Harold and Maude. Michael Caine would act the pants off Geoffry Rush as the slightly aloof, dashing ladies man of a cursed sea captain.
A Merchant of Venice starring Dane Cook and Robert Deniro
It’s time to get Dane Cook into a serious role. Cook may be the latest comedian-of-the-moment with his frat boy good looks and meth addict delivery, but he exists at a time when one’s career lifespan is decidedly reduced by things like the Internet and drug addiction. It’s important for him to make that oh-so-crucial jump to drama like Jim Carrey and Robin Williams before him before his “heat” wears off. Otherwise, he could be another Adam Sandler. While Robert Deniro may be one of the more accomplished actors of his generation, and not unfamiliar with Shakespearean acting, we suggest him for this movie based on his recent “funny tough guy” roles, made famous by such gems as Meet the Parents and Analyze This.
The Color Purple starring Tyra Banks, Chris Tucker and Ann Coulter
The heartbreaking tale of one African-American woman’s plight in the early 1900s is a classic and all, but it could use some serious modernization. Since Oprah’s already gone the whole “starring in The Color Purple” route, someone who wants to be Oprah will have to suffice. Chris Tucker will provide comedic relief and Ann Coulter will portray every bigot in the film, sometimes without requiring any props, makeup or wardrobe.
Men In Black starring Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita
This is by far the best remake on the list; hell, it’s hardly a bad idea. Ralph Macchio as the impetuous young cop turned special alien agent, and Morita as the grumpy yet lovable old timer who shows him the ropes. Wait, this sounds familiar. Are you telling us that Men In Black is the same script as The Karate Kid, with aliens? Never mind then, just tell Smith to shoot his Karate Kid remake with the cast in suits and sell it as MIB3.
