The Republican Party is in dire straits, as exemplified by the state of its presidential candidates on the day of the Iowa caucus. Black sheep Ron Paul is nipping at establishment candidate’s heels, Rudy Giuliani honestly thinks Dick Cheney would make a good vice president in his administration, Fred Thompson’s ready to bow out and Mitt Romney is about as appealing to fundamentalist voters as a gay man who wants to give them AIDS. The future of the United States of America may depend on who sweeps the early primary states, so before fascism-craving Iowans start coercing their moderate neighbors to give Giuliani a go, Re:Generator is making its eleventh and three quarters of an hour endorsement: Mike Huckabee.
For too long, the GOP has been steered off course by politicians, beholden to pernicious interests inside the Beltway, who are too scared to tell the truth. They’re afraid to risk their livelihoods by tell the American people that homosexuality is as bad as necrophilia, plain and simple. And if they are HIV positive, they should be sent to camps where they will be… forced to work. Yes, that’s it.
Mike Huckabee’s not afraid. Huckabee’s enraged - at pretty much everything, but only behind the scenes. To media and supporters, he’s just a genial Southern preacher with views that hearken back to the (18)50’s. That’s just what social conservatives need - charmer on the outside, with a creamy center of incendiary cultural warrior bought and paid for by the right organizations.
Mike Huckabee is a man of the people. He knows the people are morally aghast at abortion, so he’ll overturn Roe v. Wade for them. He shares their concern that the separation of church and state will prevent America from becoming a bona fide Jesusland; his only recourse is to undermine the constitution and usher in a full-blown theocracy. The people love Chuck Norris - so does the Huckster.
As Gov. Mike Huckabee was able to shed the pounds during his stewardship of Arkansas, so too can he help the country shed the last vestiges of freedom and liberalism that have been clumping together on the coasts like unwanted love handles. His plan is simple: an exercise regimen of a war of empire or twelve, coupled with a strict diet of the ten commandments and the four gospels. And do we really need all those decadent gays and radical feminists roaming the streets? Metaphorically, they’re America’s double chin. Whatever else can be said about Iran, there’s a country that knows how to keep svelte.
