I mentioned in passing to Ryan my desire to one day live in Portland, Oregon. His reaction to the news was swift and brutal. “I hate that city,” he exclaimed. “Can’t take the fucking Northwest, dude. I hate fucking hippies.” He railed off reasons why Portland would be a terrible choice, some of which hold water, some of which are all about one’s point of view.
I remain unconvinced. I’ve contrasted Portland with the Coachella Valley, and the city of roses looks mighty appealing…
15,000 spanging bums.
A river, the Willamette, runs through it.
80º F all summer.
Dirty hippies.
Crime: It’s an urban center, is it not?
Problem drug of choice: heroin.
Marijuana status: The stickiest of the icky.
Plentiful microbreweries? Yes.
Epicurean delights: Delightful.
Hometown musical acts of note: Heatmiser (Elliott Smith’s old band), Poison Idea, Agalloch, The Dandy Warhols, The Decemberists.
Housing: Two bedroom ranch style home, $895 a month.
Rain? You had better invest in an umbrella.
Seasons? Thank the gods, yes. Four of them.
Will the earth try to destroy you? Portland is on top of a Plio-Pleistocene volcanic field, but it’s extinct.
Newspapers and weeklies: The Oregonian, The Portland Tribune, The Portland Mercury, Portland Business Journal, East County News, Willamette Week, more.
Job market: Good, unless you’re in the food industry.
Is it socially liberal? Is the Pope Catholic, and a douchebag?
The Coachella Valley
15 spanging bums.
A canal runs through it.
80º F all winter.
Dirty Republicans.
Crime: is everywhere, even a retirement valley like ours.
Problem drug of choice: Methamphetamines.
Marijuana status: dry as dust.
Plentiful microbreweries? Not so much.
Epicurean delights: Ten thousand steakhouses and one Desert Sage.
Hometown musical acts of note: Kyuss, Eagles of Death Metal, Tyler Hilton.
Housing: My shitty two bedroom apartment, $975 a month.
Rain? What’s rain?
Seasons: We have summer! …and sometimes winter, which is really more like everyone else’s early fall.
Will the earth try to destroy you? The San Andreas Fault will erase all memory of human life in the valley come “the big one.”
Newspapers and weeklies: The Desert Sun, Desert Post Weekly, Indio Sun, La Quinta Sun, Cathedral City Sun (all owned by The Desert Sun); The Press-Enterprise.
Job market: Good, as long as you don’t mind spending most of your wages on a one bedroom cardboard box.
Is it socially liberal? In small pockets.
Quality of life: Better than Sudan’s.
