I know it’s a little frightening, but I’m here to unpack the National Organization For Marriage’s ad-bomb through an arcane process long thought lost to the ages: translation. Follow me, faithful readers, as we take a closer look at the real arguments of the Christian right made by fake people (and really, no matter how you look at it, actors are fake people):
“There’s a storm gathering…” A gay storm, sodomizing the sky and forever corrupting the airspace over America with its impurity.
“The clouds are dark, the wind is strong…” Strong like the non-heterosexual horde who spend too much of their time at the gym.
“And I am afraid…” Because clearly I’ve watched too much of Glenn Beck’s crazy eye closeup show to have a firm grip on reality. Where’s my Kleenex and the adult diapers I picked up from Wal-Mart for such an emergency?
“Some who advocate for same-sex marriage are taking the issue far beyond same-sex couples…” They’re reporting it in newspapers and cable shows and everything!
“They want to bring the issue into my life…” By invalidating my own marriage and forcing me to take a mandatory class on the proper usage of anal beads.
“My freedom will be taken away…” My freedom to take away the freedoms of others! If I can’t oppress others, I’ll have no choice but to start oppressing myself.
“I’m a California doctor who must choose between my faith and my job…” I seem to remember something in the Bible that says giving gays medical treatment of any kind is a mortal sin. Plus, they’re so icky!
“I’m part of a NJ church group punished by the government because we can’t support same-sex marriage…” Our punishment? Forced residency in a San Francisco bathhouse, and we weren’t allowed to bring any of our own reading materials.
“I’m a Massachusetts parent helplessly watching public schools teach my son that gay marriage is OK…” And as a parent, I live in constant fear that my offspring will be exposed to anything in the real world, at all. Even though I should have accepted the responsibility of easing my children from birth to adulthood and shaping their worldview with age-appropriate explanations, I’m deathly afraid of teaching them anything. The only thing I’m more afraid of is them learning it from outside sources. Also, the perpetuation of my child’s ignorance on certain subjects I’m squeamish about trumps the right of full-grown adults to pursue happiness.
“But some who advocate for same-sex marriage have not been content with same-sex couples living as they wish…” They want The Gays to file joint tax returns and visit each other in the hospital. JUST LIKE IN SODOM AND GOMORRAH!
“Those advocates want to change the way I live…” Next, they’ll want me and my buddies to stop threatening the lives of doctors who perform abortions!
“I will have no choice…” And if I can’t discriminate against others based entirely on how they consentingly use their hands, mouths, the sensitive nerve clusters around their anuses and their genitalia, life just isn’t worth living.
“The storm is coming…” A lot of us are praying and hoping for the Rapture to happen in our lifetimes. Heck, a lot of our churches give a big friendly salute to Israel for that very reason! But we can’t abide something that within our narrowly defined religious parameters should be a clear sign that Christ’s return is immanent. It’s, er, not like we’re nervous about our prospects or anything…
“But we have hope… a rainbow coalition of people of every creed and color are coming together in love to protect marriage. Visit Nation for Marriage.org. Join us.” Ha! We appropriated the term “rainbow coalition.” That’ll really piss off the fags and fag-enablers. Does that sound a little too Fred Phelps-ish? Whatever.
What can I say? I have a gift.
