by Robert Starvation and Monika Molluska
In early October 2009, Monika Molluska and I became aware of the Conservative Bible Project, a
literal rewriting of Christianity’s bedrock to conform to the beliefs of an early 21st century American permutation of a movement, and to burn out the liberalism from an effete martyr like Jesus Christ, who – let’s face it – comes off like a commie in some parts of the New Testament.
If those bullheaded boors could sap anything of value from The King James Bible, we reasoned, could we not do the inverse, giving a 2,000-year-old fable a few imaginative tweaks? Since Christmas was quickly approaching, we turned our flair for blasphemy to a retelling of Luke, Chapter 2, which provides the most comprehensive of Christ’s origin stories. What follows will most likely be considered heresy by serious adherents to Christianity. So be it. What they fail to understand how much more awesome their savior would have been if he were part dragon.
1. And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a great cry from the Great Dragon God that is called YHVH, that a halfling should be spawned.
2. And so chose a woman named Mary, whom he gave his only begotten seed.
3. And Joseph, angered and upset by God’s impregnation, went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)
4. And took with him Mary his espoused wife and keeper of the Sacred Dragon Heart, now being bloated with child.
5. And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she could once again menstruate.
6. And she brought forth a son green like ivy, and wrapped in armored scales, and laid him on a bed of gold; because earth and cloth were not fitting.
7. And there were on a distant land wise men abiding in the field, keeping watch over their orient tar by night.
8. And, lo, The Lord Dragon came upon them, and His glorious flames shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.
9. And The Dragon said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all creatures.
10. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is endowed with the scorching breath of the heavens and the green armored skin of God.
11. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe green and smoking, lying on a bed of gold.
12. And suddenly there was with The Dragon a multitude of the heavenly host praising Him, and saying,
13. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth be scales, and a warm cave.
14. And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the wise men said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this dangerous things, that we may kill that thing of which The Lord growled to us, and take our prize of his golden bed.
15. And they came with haste, yet left word with an elite squadron of their commandos, saying If within the rising and setting of the sun we do not return, avenge our deaths and take for yourselves the golden bed.
16. And when they found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger, they drew their scimitars and rose then to smite all therein.
17. But the babe blew forth flames of such intensity that their very flesh was quickened from the bone.
18. And Joseph gathered the bones and gave them to Mary, who kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.
19. And when the wise men has not returned, the commandos raided the manger, as was instructed unto them, but this too was stopped by the halfling’s flame.
20. And when eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called JESUS HORATIO CHRIST, which was so named in part because of a miniseries Mary enjoyed in which a man blew many horns.
21. And when the days of her purification according to the law of Moses were accomplished, they brought him in a rocket called Jerusalem, to present him to the Dragon Lord;
(As it is written in the law of the Lord, Every male that openeth the womb shall fly beyond the clouds to the Lord’s secret city of the stars;)
22. And to offer a sacrifice according to that which is said in the law of the Lord, A pair of virgins, or two moderately experienced whores.
23. And, behold, there was a man piloting Jerusalem, whose name was Simeon; and the same man was just and devout, waiting for the consolation of Israel: and the Holy Ghost was upon him.
24. And it was revealed unto him by the Holy Ghost, that he should not see death, before he had seen the Lord’s Christ.
25. And so as he looked upon the Christ he was engulfed in flames, and Jerusalem crashlanded in the secret city.
26. And they crawled from the wreckage into the temple: and when the parents brought in the child Jesus, to do for him after the custom of the law,
27. Then took he him up in his arms, and blessed God, and said,
28. Lord, now lettest us handeth over this child, as he is yours:
29. For his breath is not salvation but a danger to us,
30. Not to us only but the faces of all people;
31. Though his light may lighten the Gentiles, bringing glory to thy people Israel.
32. And The Lord Dragon balked, and said unto Mary his mother, Behold, this child will set fire to many of the Romans occupying Israel; and yet your responsibilities be spoken against;
33. (Yea, your words like a sword pierce through mine own soul also,) so return to your planet, and bother me no more in this matter.
34. And there was one Anna, a dinosaur, the daughter of Phanuel, of the herd of raptors: she was of a great strength, and offered to transport Jesus, Mary and Joseph home.
35. And so she made a mighty leap, which departed them not only from the temple, but from the planet, and to their own once more.
36. And she offered to let the Lord ride her where he may until the end of his days, for she divined he would be redemption for Israel.
37. And when the parents had accepted Anna’s offer, they returned into Galilee, to their own city Nazareth.
38. And the child grew, and waxed strong in flames, covered in scales: and the grace of God was upon him.
39. Now his parents went to Rome every year to join in a Bacchanalia.
40. And when he was twelve years old, they went up to Rome after the custom of the feast.
41. And when they had fulfilled the days, as they returned, the child Jesus tarried behind in Rome; and Joseph and his mother knew not of it.
42. But they, supposing him to have been in the company, went a day’s journey; and they sought him among their kinsfolk and acquaintance.
43. And when they found him not, they turned back again to Rome seeking him.
44. And it came to pass, that after three days they found him the grove of Simila, sitting in the midst of women unashamed of their nakedness, both touching them, and whispering in their ears.
45. And all that were near were astonished that the son on God knew so many women.
46. And when they saw him, they were amazed: and his mother said unto him, Son, why hast thou tarried with these doxies? behold, thy father and I have sought thee sorrowing.
47. And he said unto them, How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my Father’s business?
48. And they understood not the saying which he spake unto them.
49. And he called to Anna, that she might take him from that place away from his parents.
50. And as Anna lept, Jesus breathed flames so scorching God himself felt the heat.
51. And so Joseph and his mother were quickened, as were all who celebrated lust and wine.
52. And Jesus and Anna left earth for a time, to explore the universe his true father had created.