Okay, Afghanistan, we get it. You want attention. We’ve been ignoring you for years because we’ve been preoccupied with Iraq, and you’ve been acting out. But it’s starting to get a little embarrassing, which means we have no choice but to pull troops out of the big fish to placate the small one. There. Are you happy? We sure as hell aren’t.
You really think you’re something, don’t you? Do you think we haven’t noticed how much opium you grow, or what you’re doing with Taliban militants when you think we’re not looking? We didn’t have to invade you, you know. We could have left you to rot with those assholes who thought Osama bin Laden was the cat’s meow. We did it out of the kindness of our hearts, and for revenge for the September 11 attacks, and so we could install an oil pipeline within your extremely well-placed borders.
Now that Daddy’s back things are going to change. No more killing our troops just because you think you have something to prove. No more radical Islam. If you’re going to be radical, you’re choosing Christianity. And most importantly, when you grow your drug crops, make sure the CIA gets a cut. Then we’ll stop breathing down your neck about it, capiche?
If you display good behavior under these strict but fair terms, we might – might – take you under our wing and bring you out of the stone age, where we sent you circa October 2001. We think you’ll like the 21st Century. It has HiDef television and botox!
