Stop whatever you’re doing! It’s no longer important. In the grand scheme of things, nothing is important when there’s a catastrophe as massive and destructive as the one heading toward us like the meteor in that movie where we had a black president, but he wasn’t young and fist-bumpy like Barack Obama! Production of savory, life-affirming chicken wings has been crippled by the December 2008 bankruptcy of Pilgrims Pride Corp., who produced a staggering 25% of the nation’s “shit you eat at parties” food. There’s already a shortage, and it’s about to get a thousand times worse, because Super XLIII is this Sunday! The entire Super Bowl will have to be canceled, and that one team won’t have the chance to show that other team not to underestimate whatever it is they’re famous for! From there, we’re only a stone’s throw away from total economic and governmental collapse, followed by Iceland-style rioting! The National Chicken Council insists there is no shortage, and that football fans should “Eat all you want. There are plenty more.” What they don’t say is that the secret ingredient in the NCC’s special Super Bowl Sunday recipe is LIES. This so-called “chicken council” is nothing more than an all-too-willing apparatus of the Illuminati, who want to raze civilization as we know it and remake it in their image. Things won’t end with a bang, or a whimper, but with the crunch of an in-demand chicken wing.
