We’re just winning wars all over the place this month! Fresh from our indisputable victory in Iraq, this great Christian nation of ours can claim total victory against the “Taliban-like” secular left. General Bill O’Reilly has announced that the bitter conflict known as the “War on Christmas” has come to a close. Mission accomplished. Cue codpiece.
Snark aside, I’ve always thought trying to put the kibosh on nativity scenes was a losing battle. Atheists, agnostics and pals have many, far more important wars to wage than whether or not baby Jesus is depicted in a historically (or even biblically) inaccurate arrangement chilling with the “Three Wise Men”.
What the ACLU – who thinks they’re being helpful – fails to grasp is that we nonbelievers have a very specific agenda to destroy society, and it must be done in exact order for it to work. If you promise not to tell Bill O’Reilly, I will, for the first time ever, let you in on our sixteen step plan. Already completed steps have been crossed out.
Step one: Legalize abortion.
Step two: Get George W. Bush elected as many times as possible – he is the best argument against faith in public life since the crusades.
Step three: Activate sleeper agent Janet Jackson, who will corrupt a generation of American youth with her specially modified Nipple of Evil.
Step four: Legalize gay marriage state by state to clear the way for marrying animals (work in progress).
Step five: Get more than one elected official to publicly admit their non-belief.
Step six: Fill congress with godless agents of the secular left.
Step seven: Ensure victory for America’s first atheist president.
Step eight: Publicly execute Bill O’Reilly and Ann Coulter to send a message to patriots who don’t agree.
Step nine: Tax churches.
Step ten: Remove references to God from pledge, currency.
Step eleven: Remove nativity scenes from the public square.
Step twelve: Pass law fining Christians who don’t renounce the teachings of Jesus.
Step thirteen: Tattoo the number of the beast on pretty much everyone.
Step fourteen: Outlaw Christianity altogether.
Step fifteen: Kill anyone who won’t go along with the secular agenda.
Step sixteen: Throw nationwide orgy. Men, women, children and animals are invited. Drug use will be encouraged. Don’t stop until surviving Christians are taken by the rapture. Briefly pause to cheer. Continue abominable orgy until the end of time.
As you can see, we still have a few steps before we take care of the nativity scene.
