The Texas GOP has found a sure-fire path to electoral victory: a party platform that would outlaw blowjobs*. There’s more – the same old ultra-right-wing song and dance about banning the Federal Reserve, opposing the non-existent one world currency, criminalizing the issuance of marriage certificates to same-sex couples, stopin’ the baby killin’, legislating strip clubs out of existence – but the clear fact remains that the Lone Star state’s stalwarts are so bizarrely out of touch they consider punishing people for oral and anal sodomy one of the best ideas they’ve ever had.
Being the Party of No (Oral) is bold, I’ll give them that. Most people like what their lovers do to them with their mouths, usually in the privacy of their own homes. How, short of law enforcement installing cameras in every room of every house in the state, could a law against blowjobs realistically be enforced? The city of Houston alone has 2.2 million residents. It would be fiscal irresponsibility to the nth degree. Further, if that isn’t Big Government intrusion, I don’t know what is. Or is Big Government acceptable when Mexicans or mouth parties are involved? The thought of Mexicans going down on each other, and I mean really taking their time (you know what? Let’s make it a gay Mexican blowjob orgy.) must make Texas GOPers apoplectic.
The Texas GOP patriarchy should fess up: they really want to ban orgasms altogether. They’re ungodly, and if there were some way they could have sex for purposes of reproduction only without the slightest twinge of pleasure, they’d do it. That probably is how they do it, and like all zealots with a taste of power, they’re inflicting their twisted personal neurosis on the public at large. If they could stop being so tightly wound and take initiative to relax once in a while, they might see the world differently. Know what relaxes most people? Blowjobs.
*For the purpose of this post, “blowjob” is an all-purpose term for oral sex that includes Cunnilingus.
