Re:Generator Magazine

I was driving back to the desert from Fullerton today, and I started thinking about all of the questions that I get asked on a fairly regular basis. And how stupid most of them are.

It had also come up in the last Re:Generator meeting that I should have a column that answers such stupid questions. So. I thought it would be a good place to start one, by answering so many of the ones that I get asked regularly.

This is the first post of Monika Molluska’s column, “WTF?!”

If I get my nipples pierced will I still be able to breast feed?

Yes, you dumbfuck that has absolutely no concept of anatomy. If you pierce your lips together and take it out will you still have that gaping pie hole in the middle of your face? The milk ducts in your breasts and nipples will always be there. If anything getting them pierced will benefit breast feeding because there will be more holes for that sweet juice of life to come out of what is undoubtedly your saggy-ass tit. I have known many women who have had their nipples pierced and have breast fed their bastard children, and possibly even some men. I do however suggest that you remove any jewelry that you have in while breast feeding, this may cause the piercing hole to close if you leave them out for long enough, but that can be fixed in a jiff.

So which side is the gay side and which side is the straight side?

Honestly both sides will be gay if you ask me that question. Whatever side you are going to get will be totally and completely bareback-in-the-ass gay. Why? Because you dear sir and/or miss, are gay.

The real answer to that question goes back over a decade, when pogs were cool and flannel ruled. Back in the 80’s and 90’s the gay counter-culture had all of these little hints and things that would signal who would take it, who would give it, and how. The word on the street was guys with a single ear piercing on their left side were straight and on the right they were gay. Now a days people don’t need stupid signals like that. They usually are a lot more boisterous about who they had in their bed the night before. So don’t worry about it. At all. Ever. And take comfort in the fact that you will be considered gay by your peers no matter what you do.

Is this going to hurt?

Yes. Now sit down, shut up and stop being a pussy. I have bills to pay. And you people are going to put my ass through med school. And if you cry, complain, bitch, moan, or move it’ll just hurt even more. I’ll make sure of it.

So, like, how much should I tip?

This is a decent question to ask. After you pay whatever price it is that your piercer or tattoo artist tells you to pay for the work that they do, and that total level of cool that you could not achieve on your own no matter how hard you try, you SHOULD TIP. There are a few things that need to be considered when deciding how to tip.

For Tattoos:

Were you an easy customer to deal with? Meaning, did you know what you wanted, where you wanted it, and gave the artist enough liberty with it to make it their own if they could, or to place it and size it to where it will look good in 30 years rather than like a big fucking blob?

Did the artist produce quality work, and show you the hospitality and respect that you deserve as a customer? Exceptions to the hospitality and respect thing would be if you were a total dick customer. You’re just lucky to have gotten the work done at all.

Did they give you an exceptionally good deal for the amount and type of work that you have received? If you were a difficult customer then tip big. At least 20% of the price of the tattoo and no less than $30. If you got super quality work and a good attitude then tip big. If they gave you a fucking GREAT deal then tip HUGE, like 30% or more.

For Piercings:

If you got a clean piercing with little hassle then try and tip them at least $10 bucks, I usually go $20.

If you go in and have them change out jewelry or anything that is usually complimentary, then tip them. Even if it’s just $5. You should never leave your piercer empty handed.

I know a lot of people have a problem tipping tattoo artists and piercers because they think that the procedures are already expensive. But they usually don’t think about the fact that the shop can take anywhere from 40-60% of the charge. Tattoo artists and piercers have to supply a lot of their own stuff- ink, needles, machines, tapper sets, clamps, and all that stuff that goes into performing the procedure is NOT cheap. A lot of it is one time use only for your own safety. Then there is the shop help that needs to be tipped out at the end of the night, and all the other stuff. So yes. Tipping is GREATLY appreciated because when it comes down to the bottom line they might only really be getting 20% of that fee, and they are the ones that you should be thanking.

If you don’t have the means to dish out cash tips then things like food, or other presents like reference books, t-shirts, or whatever weird things you can fish around for are totally appreciated. If you have a more personal relationship with the person that does your work then you should know their general interests. Try and go along with that. And remember, these people really do hold your health, safety, and physical appearance in their hands.

Plus, tipping makes it hurt less. I promise.

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If you have any questions that you would like to know the answer to, just leave a comment or send me a message or something. You people have my info. It doesn’t necessarily have to have something to do with tattoos or piercings. It could be something like “Why is the sky blue?” or “Is The Day of the Triffids a realistic representation of the future of man kind?”